I've been mulling this journal over in my head for a long, long time and I figured today that I should just post it to get it off my chest.
I'm a perfectionist.
Not in the sense of "I work very hard on the details, but no biggie".
Rather, in the un-fun way of:
"I will redo every image in my mind, every part of it and every brushstroke and still not be satisfied with the outcome, if I even get as far as actually putting pen to paper".
Or to put it in the words of "Art & Fear", which describes how I'm feeling perfectly:
"To require perfection is to invite paralysis. The pattern is predictable: as you see error in what you have done, you steer your work toward what you imagine you can do perfectly. You cling ever more tightly to what you already know you can do—away from risk and exploration, and possibly further from the work of your heart. You find reasons to procrastinate, since to not work is to not make mistakes …. Sooner or later, since you cannot do what you are trying to do, you quit. And in one of those perverse little ironies of life, only the pattern itself achieves perfection—a perfect death spiral: you misdirect your work; you stall; you quit."
This means that I've not been putting out as much art as I'd like.
This also means I've been feeling unconfident about my drawings to the point where it starts to affect commissions and this is where I should draw the line for myself.
While pixels still go smoothly, I currently do not feel confident enough in my ability to draw to take on new drawn commissions.
I feel like I need to work more on anatomy, gestures, lighting, ... The absolute basics, if you will, not only to improve my speed when drawing,
but also to be able to post art again of which I feel proud and of which I can confidently state that I could sell pieces like it.
I don't want this journal to sound pessimistic, mind.
If anything, I've come to the realisation that I have a lot more work ahead of me and
I honestly can't wait to start tackling the flaws and issues in my pieces by doing more exercises and studying the basics.
So to end on a positive note in this kind of ramble-ish personal journal: three cheers for (future) improvement and hard work.